40 Things That Only Happen In The Movies

Did you ever notice that certain things only happen in the movies, but never happen in real life? For example:

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving, making out, and will remain on "The Day After".

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. A Teenage couple about to have sex when their folks are not looking are BOUND to get killed by an Immortal Serial Masked Killer

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).



~T~

Those are fabulous! But do you mind if I add one?

" Unemployed students or aspiring actors or anyone who clearly has absolutely no source of income can nonetheless afford to live in $5,000 a month SPACIOUS Manhattan apartments with perfect views of the skyline in every window"





Smooth

These are so great.
I have my own to add as well... how 'bout the Kid genius who ALL the adults look to for the real answer to the problem at hand.

Okay-- so it's a metaphor-- but it STILL bugs me.



Buffy

All of them are fabulous: I especially like this one:

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

And Am I the only one bothered by the fact that the ONLY computers used in Movie & TVland is a MAC.... I love MAC but who can afford them unless you happen to be a celebrity? And Newsie- I know what yer going to say- it's an alternate Earth where MACs are used over PCs. My question for you is; "Does John Hodgman know this?" AND in this Alternate Earth, are these MACs STILL "Virus" free?

Okay, here's another one: Am I the only one that wonders how the good guy tackle the insurance company after the city is virtually destroyed in his/ her quest to catch the so-called Bad Guys.



For God's sake's People, The Golden Gate bridge was destroyed in X-Men Last Stand, and Tokyo's been pretty much bombarded with the likes of Godzilla, Not to mention all the bad guys Wil Smith, Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis, & other so called action heroes have "Saved" humanity from.



Do the insurance companies just write it off, do the tax payers pay, or does the Said action hero end up going to jail for destroying public property?




Smooth

Serina wrote: All of them are fabulous: I especially like this one:

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

And Am I the only one bothered by the fact that the ONLY computers used in Movie & TVland is a MAC.... I love MAC but who can afford them unless you happen to be a celebrity? And Newsie- I know what yer going to say- it's an alternate Earth where MACs are used over PCs. My question for you is; "Does John Hodgman know this?" AND in this Alternate Earth, are these MACs STILL "Virus" free?

Ahhhh touche my friend. But since Movie & TVland obviously exist in a different universe, MACs ARE more prone to Viruses. Just like Nobody smokes anymore in said universe unless you are a bad guy. (Now remember, when Their world was only in Black and white- everyone smoked- good guys as well as bad guys)

Additionally, Answering machines are still widely used since Voice mail and caller ID has not "Taken On" in this Universe.



And Yes, I'm sure John Hodgman knows all of this.


Newsie

Smooth Operator wrote: Okay, here's another one: Am I the only one that wonders how the good guy tackle the insurance company after the city is virtually destroyed in his/ her quest to catch the so-called Bad Guys.

For God's sake's People, The Golden Gate bridge was destroyed in X-Men Last Stand, and Tokyo's been pretty much bombarded with the likes of Godzilla, Not to mention all the bad guys Wil Smith, Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis, & other so called action heroes have "Saved" humanity from.



Do the insurance companies just write it off, do the tax payers pay, or does the Said action hero end up going to jail for destroying public property?




Smooth

Hmmmm maybe in this parallel universe, Insurance companies don't exist.




~T~

Troubadour wrote:


Hmmmm maybe in this parallel universe, Insurance companies don't exist.




~T~

Are you kidding me--every Universe has Insurance Companies... They fester like black ooz through cracks of doorways just waiting to eat our babies and turn the rest of us into Zombie slaves.



Of course, that's just MY opinion.

Lucid Dreamer wrote:

Troubadour wrote:


Hmmmm maybe in this parallel universe, Insurance companies don't exist.




~T~

Are you kidding me--every Universe has Insurance Companies... They fester like black ooz through cracks of doorways just waiting to eat our babies and turn the rest of us into Zombie slaves.



Of course, that's just MY opinion.

No anger issues huh Shar?


They ARE indeed rank though.




Smooth

All very fine points and might I add yet another?

Whenever there's a black president, Aliens attack, there's a Zombie Plague, the Earth is about to collide with a Meteor/ Asteroid/ Take your pick.... or some other global catastrophe is about to happen.



Now, Obama is still new at this presidential stuff, but it would APPEAR that the Swine Flu, the Economic Disasters, Foreign Powers in chaos, and even the Digital Switch has been conquered "Without" the Earth self combusting..... yet. Just wait til Obama tackles those evil Insurance Companies




Scrappy

Uncle Scrappy wrote: All very fine points and might I add yet another?

Whenever there's a black president, Aliens attack, there's a Zombie Plague, the Earth is about to collide with a Meteor/ Asteroid/ Take your pick.... or some other global catastrophe is about to happen.



Now, Obama is still new at this presidential stuff, but it would APPEAR that the Swine Flu, the Economic Disasters, Foreign Powers in chaos, and even the Digital Switch has been conquered "Without" the Earth self combusting..... yet. Just wait til Obama tackles those evil Insurance Companies




Scrappy

(Now why didn't I think of that?)

Newsie

Excuse me Miss, Pardon me Ma'am, but I can't help but also notice that people in Movie and TVland rarely wear the same thing twice.



Lou

Time-Waster wrote:Excuse me Miss, Pardon me Ma'am, but I can't help but also notice that people in Movie & TVland rarely wear the same thing twice.



Lou

I forgot about that Lou!

Something that always blew me away was that in the movies having "Real Friends" in the workplace is Common place.

It took me a long long long time to get it in my head that in "Real Life" people who are nice to you at the workplace are usually not REALLY your friends.



~T~